i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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