dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm sobbing to NWA
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
