you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
