if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize