my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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