by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
