So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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