I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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