I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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