If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
