I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
All the doctor said was why
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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