You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
