so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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