Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize