I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
