Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
