No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
