Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
