Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
