It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
