Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
