I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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