I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
