I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
