Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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