He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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