Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
