Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
bring money and cleavage
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I wish there were birth control emojis
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
