There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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