i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
