it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
