Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
