You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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