have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
