Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I didn't notice because vodka
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
