I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
