I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
