you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
