I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
