Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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