i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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