remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
