Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
