He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
