I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
