The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
