I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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