So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
