We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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