i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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