You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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