pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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