I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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