I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize