I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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