Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
