My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
