naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
