i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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