You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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